"A little thick," says Mr. Beeswing,
mysteriously.

"Decidedly cloudy," adds Mr. Crust. "Try
that one," he adds to the gnome, pointing to a
cask close by, whose hieroglyphics are precisely
similar to those upon the barrel which has just
been experimented upon. " Try that one," says
Mr. Crust.

"That one" is tried, by the same process
which was employed in the case just described,
and the wine being pronounced by Messrs.
Beeswing and Crust, unanimously, to be in
perfect order, your Eye-witness is permitted
to become a mouth-witness of its quality, and,
on removing the glass empty from his lips, is
gently reproved by his entertainers for the
irreverent haste with which he has swallowed his
liquor, and is initiated by them in the real art of
drinking a glass of wine.

Let no man suppose that he knows how to
drink a glass of wine till he has passed through
a curriculum of dock studies, and has matriculated
in the East Vault. There are doubtless
those who would tell you that drinking a glass
of wine is one of the simplest things conceivable.
These misguided persons imagine that all you
have to do is to take hold of the glass, convey
it promptly to your lips, and drain the contents.
Heaven help the innocence of those who imagine
this to be all! Let us hasten the work of their
enlightenment. He who designs to take his
glass of wine in the manner of an amateur or
judge, must go to work in a way very
different from the flippantly brisk treatment of the
subject hinted at just above. He must beware
also of any theatrical tendencies in this matter.
This is none of your pasteboard flagon affairs.
There is no waving of wine-cups above your
head, nor subsequent drinking so rapid as to
carry out the hideous idea suggested by the
waving process, that the flagon itself is empty.
The following grave course of proceeding is to be
closely attended to. First of all, it is necessary
that the wine-taster should look to the attitude
of his whole body, which is to be done in this
wise. He is to stand with his weight equally
divided on both legs, and with his feet close
together. He is then to lean, his body slightly
forward, in the manner of a gentleman who is
eating a juicy peach, and who has a regard for
the breast of his coat. Next, he is to square
his elbows and to take hold of the wine-glass,
not by the stem, but, as has been already
mentioned, by the pedestal, holding it somewhat
loosely between the forefinger and thumb.
These things done, he is next to attend to the
expression of his countenance, which is to be
that of a gentleman of a suspicious nature, and
incapable of being taken in. Let us now
recommend our wine-taster to apply the light test,
and to hold his glass up to lamp or window, as
the case may be, in order that he may get a
notion of its transparency. Having done this,
the monosyllable, Hum! may be softly and
slowly allowed to pass from the amateur's lips.
It is a good phrase, and unless he frowns, which
it is not at present desirable that he should,
unless the wine is obviously thick, he commits
himself to nothing. The eye test having now
been applied, we should next recommend a
recourse to the organ of smell, and here (there is
no doubt of it) a slight frown may under any
circumstances be judiciously allowed to distort
the features. At this point, too, he is to put
his head a little on one side, to put his nose very
near the mouth of his glass, and to sniff sharply
and irritably two or three times. Let it be
owned that we are working our amateur a little
hard, yet this is nothing to what is before him
when he once gets the wine to his lips. It is
then— it is at the moment of raising his wineglass
to his mouth— that the taster is to commence
a system of harassment with regard to the owner
of the wine which is to know no limit, and
which no humane or friendly considerations are
to be allowed to mitigate. Retaining the slight
frown used in the nose test, our amateur is now
recommended to " fix" his entertainer with a
pitiless glare— not, however, turning his face
towards him, but, on the contrary, getting it a
little away from his victim, and regarding him
(even if he be his dearest friend) suspiciously
out of the corner of his eye. There will be no
harm at this stage in the proceedings, in making
two or three " offers" at the wine before sipping
it. This is, on the contrary, a course much to
be recommended, as it suggests that really your
mouth is too serious a property to be treated
lightly, and that you must think twice before
calling its attention to a wine that may be a
failure.

At the tremendous moment when the first sip
of wine actually passes our amateur's lips, he
must, on peril of losing the whole of the prestige
he has gained by a careful attention to all that
has gone before, withdraw the glass smartly
from his mouth and look down at it as if it had
offended him. Then, his glance having gained
new strength by this relaxation, must be brought
swiftly back to his entertainer's countenance,
and a look of malignant penetration must be
screwed out of it that shall find its way into
that sufferer's inmost vitals. The mouth must
now be stretched as nearly as possible across
the face, the lips being compressed to a degree
that renders them invisible and tightly closed.
They remain thus, only for a moment, and
are almost instantaneously pushed out till
they are on a level with the tip of the nose.
The lips retained still in this position are next
to be moved slowly from side to side, and
occasionally by a use of the muscle called "orbicularis
oris," are to be made to revolve, which it
will be found adds great effect to the air of dark
mistrust hitherto expressed only by the eyes.
The whole of these exercises having been got
through, and repeated several times, the wine
may at last— if the taster cannot resist it— be
swallowed; but it will be more effective if he
rejects it after all, and spits it out upon the
ground.

The man who can enact the whole of this
performance correctly, and can be guaranteed
against a smile throughout— this man, and