official. Here is a little hit at the governor,
who does not seem to be very popular just
now:

"Jones.—We do not understand why the
colonial aristocracy always say 'Your Excellency.'
The Duke of Newcastle addresses his letters
simply, 'Governor Sir Henry Barkly.' Perhaps
our swells are better educated than his grace."

Here is a bit of local gossip, supposed to be
written by the Melbourne correspondent of the
Sawpit Gully Times:

". . . . But there is a split in the ministry!
Johnston and Anderson are so overbearing that
the others will not submit to it. In case of
disruption, it is doubtful whether J. or A. will be
sent for. It will be one of the two, of course.
The worst of it is that the governor has taken
his passage under a feigned name by the Great
Britain; and it is not likely that his successor
will understand the complication. Nous verrons.

"It is not true (at present, at least) that Hugh
Glass and J. H. Brooke are in partnership, or
that the latter gentleman attempted to make
terms with the squatters before leaving for New
Zealand. The rumour arose from Glass's being
seen on the Sandridge pier about the time when
Brooke left; and scandal has it that Glass and
Heales returned to town in the same cab. Should
this prove the case, M'Lellan, the only honest
man in the house, intends to resign. Nixon
may follow!"

The local governments, it seems, have adopted
a new system of public instruction, as far as
the payment of masters is concerned. Their
remuneration is for the future to be, not by fixed
salary, but so much per boy for every boy made
to reach a certain standard of acquirements.
The decision is supposed to have drawn forth a
remonstrance from a boy, who says:

"I am one of the happiest fellows belonging
to St. Vitus' school in—well, never mind what
street—Melbourne. We were the happiest boys
going some time ago, our happiness only
interrupted by an occasional caning on account of
Arma virumque cano [it will be observed that
this industrious young joke has spread to the
colonies], &c. But about three months ago a
change came over the spirit of our dream; our
head-master's face assumed a most anxious look,
he took to shaking his head dolefully whenever
he came across any 'thick,' and looked at and
handled the cane most significantly. We could
not make out the import of these signs till Jones
(who has to read the paper to his father every
night till he is hoarse), a fellow in the fourth
form, told us that the commissioners had decided
on a new system called 'Payment by Results,' by
which masters would have no fixed screw, but
would get 6s. 8d. for every boy perfect in reading,
6s. 8d. for every boy perfect in writing, and
6s. 8d. for every boy perfect in arithmetic, that
is to say, a pound for a perfect boy. Jones also
added that he had seen letters in the paper saying
that a master, in order to keep himself alive,
must lick like winking to bring his boys up to
the mark. This created an awful sensation
among us, the non-perfect boys, and our
consternation was still further increased when we
heard that the master had a private list
something in this style:

                   Worth to me.                 Must be licked up.
                     s.    d.                                s.   d.
Jones ......    13   4                                 6    8
Smith ......      7   6                               12    6
Brown .....    11   4                                 8    8

"Oh, Mr. Punch, write against this, and save
us from this woe, for my heart bleeds at the
thought of what some fellows must suffer! There
is Fred Phillips, he is 5s. 6d. at present—3s. for
reading, and 2s. 6d. for writing. He may be
licked up to 13s. 4d., but I am blowed if he will
ever get beyond that, seeing that he does not
and never will know anything about arithmetic,"
&c. &c.

Our colonial contemporary appears fond of
verse: here is a fair specimen of his powers in
that line. A member of the Legislative Assembly,
named Macadam, who seems to be an universal
genius and a pluralist in office, was announced
as intending to leave Melbourne for Europe.
The poetical valediction which he receives is
from a well known model:

Wanted some gentlemen fitted to fill
The posts of Macadam with competent skill,
In physics and filters and driving the quill;
Legislating, debating, and drafting a bill;
Ethical lectures—and aught else they will—
For the posts of Macadam were increasing still—
                                They were increasing still.
He was sniffer of scents to our own corporation,
Detecting strange matters by analysation;
He was chemical lecturer to Alma Mater,
And the Royal Society's special curator.
He discoursed to small boys on all sorts of knowledge,
At the Eastern High School, which is called the
     Scotch College;
He was reckoned a don at deodorisation,
And he managed the whole of the last exploration.
He was Member of Parliament, up to his trade,
And sat upon all the committees they made.
In the courts as a witness he has not been lacking,
He would analyse aught, from Glenlivat to blacking.
Diseased bullocks' lungs were his own special forte,—
Or pleuro-pneumonia as it's called for short,
He was great upon poison and great upon oil,
And in fact, all admitted, a monster of toil.
As M.D. to his physics he'd stick like a Turk,
And as M.L.A. em-ul-a-ted the work.
But now he is going away it is said,
And a few dozen persons are wanted instead.
Wanted some gentlemen fitted to fill
The posts of Macadam with competent skill,
One to lecture, another to represent still
The Castlemaine voters,—the rest well or ill,
To analyse, botanise, deodorise, phil-
Osophise, theorise, exercise, till
The posts of Macadam they properly fill—
                                        They properly fill.

Our contemporary does not addict himself
much to commercial topics; but here is a hit
under the head of "Shipping Intelligence."