English is not good enough, both families and
gentlemen had better go somewhere else.)

When I began to settle down in this right-
principled and well-conducted House, I noticed
under the bed in No. 24 B (which it is up a
angle off the staircase, and usually put off upon
the lowly-minded), a heap of things in a corner.
I asked our Head Chambermaid in the course
of the day:

"What are them things in 24 B?"

To which she answered with a careless air:

"Somebody's Luggage."

Regarding her with a eye not free from
severity, I says:

"Whose Luggage?"

Evading my eye, she replied:

"Lor! How should I know!"

––Being, it may be right to mention, a female
of some pertness, though acquainted with her
business.

A Head Waiter must be either Head or Tail.
He must be at one extremity or the other of
the social scale. He cannot be at the waist of
it, or anywhere else but the extremities. It is
for him to decide which of the extremities.

On the eventful occasion under consideration,
I give Mrs. Pratchett so distinctly to understand
my decision that I broke her spirit as
towards myself, then and there, and for good.
Let not inconsistency be suspected on account
of my mentioning Mrs. Pratchett as "Mrs.,"
and having formerly remarked that a waitress
must not be married. Readers are respectfully
requested to notice that Mrs. Pratchett was
not a waitress, but a chambermaid. Now, a
chambermaid may be married: if Head,
generally is married––or says so. It comes to the
same thing as expressing what is customary.
(N.B. Mr. Pratchett is in Australia, and his
address there is "the Bush.")

Having took Mrs. Pratchett down as many
pegs as was essential to the future happiness
of all parties, I requested her to explain
herself.

"For instance," I says, to give her a little
encouragement, "who is Somebody?"

"I give you my sacred honour, Mr. Christopher,"
answers Pratchett, "that I haven't the
faintest notion."

But for the manner in which she settled her
cap-strings, I should have doubted this; but in
respect of positiveness it was hardly to be
discriminated from an affidavit.

"Then you never saw him?" I followed her
up with.

"Nor yet," said Mrs. Pratchett, shutting her
eyes and making as if she had just took a pill
of unusual circumference––which gave a
remarkable force to her denial––"nor yet any
servant in this house. All have been changed, Mr.
Christopher, within five year, and Somebody
left his Luggage here before then."

Inquiry of Miss Martin yielded (in the language
of the Bard of A.1.) "confirmation strong."
So it had really and truly happened. Miss
Martin is the young lady at the bar as makes
out our bills; and though higher than I could
wish, considering her station, is perfectly well
behaved.

Further investigations led to the disclosure
that there was a bill against this Luggage to
the amount of two sixteen six. The
Luggage had been lying under the bedstead in
24 B, over six year. The bedstead is a four-
poster, with a deal of old hanging and vallance,
and is, as I once said, probably connected with
more than 24 Bs––which I remember my hearers
was pleased to laugh at, at the time.

I don't know why––when DO we know why?
––but this Luggage laid heavy on my mind. I
fell a wondering about Somebody, and what he
had got and been up to. I couldn't satisfy my
thoughts why he should leave so much Luggage
against so small a bill. For I had the Luggage
out within a day or two and turned it over, and
the following were the items:––A black
portmanteau, a black bag, a desk, a dressing-case, a
brown-paper parcel, a hat-box, and an umbrella
strapped to a walking-stick. It was all very
dusty and fluey. I had our porter up to get
under the bed and fetch it out; and though he
habitually wallows in dust—swims in it from
morning to night, and wears a close-fitting
waistcoat with black calimanco sleeves for the
purpose––it made him sneeze again, and his
throat was that hot with it, that it was obliged
to be cooled with a drink of Allsopp's draft.

The Luggage so got the better of me, that
instead of having it put back when it was well
dusted and washed with a wet cloth––previous
to which it was so covered with feathers, that you
might have thought it was turning into poultry,
and would by-and-by begin to Lay––I say,
instead of having it put back, I had it carried into
one of my places down stairs. There from time
to time I stared at it and stared at it, till it
seemed to grow big and grow little, and come
forward at me and retreat again, and go through
all manner of performances resembling intoxication.
When this had lasted weeks—I may say,
months, and not be far out—I one day thought
of asking Miss Martin for the particulars of
the Two sixteen six total. She was so obliging
as to extract it from the books—it dating before
her time—and here follows a true copy:

Coffee Room.
1856.                                          No. 4.
    February 2nd.      Pen and paper.......................£0    0    6
                                Port Negus.............................. 0    2    0
                                Ditto......................................... 0    2    0
                                Pen and paper......................... 0    0    6
                                Tumbler broken....................... 0    2    6
                                Brandy..................................... 0    2    0
                                Pen and paper......................... 0    0    6
                                Anchovy toast.......................... 0    2    6
                                Pen and paper......................... 0    0    6
                                Bed.......................................... 0    3    0
    February 3rd.      Pen and paper......................... 0    0    6
                                Breakfast................................. 0    2    6
                                      "        Broiled ham.............. 0    2    0
                                      "        Eggs......................... 0    1    0
                                      "        Water cresses.......... 0    1    0
                                      "        Shrimps.................... 0    1    0
                                                                                 ————
                 Carried forward.......................................£1   4    0