once. She followed our troupe about to see
what I was up to, and when I was going round
with the hat, making my best bow and saying
soft nonsense to the gals, she'd drop down upon
me like a flash of lightning, and fetch me a crack
on the side of the head that made me spin again.
In private, a man as is fond of peace and quietness
may take that sort of thing, but when it
comes to a public performance, it ain't to be
put up with. A professional man, sir, must stick
up for himself before the public, though I am
bound to say that always when Maria dropped
down upon me in that way, the public laughed.
I had it in my mind more than once to give
Maria in charge, but I never could. She's a
sort of woman, sir, that when you look at her
it's all over with you—tall, sir, a fine figure-head,
and such a stepper! But she ruined the night
business, and all through her I had to lose the
country business in the summer. There's a
good bit of money to be picked up in the season
at the watering-places, such as Margate and
Ramsgate. But I never could go; Maria
wouldn't let me.

"If you go, Joseph," she used to say, "I go."

Well, of course I couldn't drag Maria about
with me over the country; it would have been
double expense, and hartists in our line don't
always find it easy to get lodgings. Ours, sir,
is an awkward pocket to suit as regards rent.
And being professionals, we like to keep
ourselves quiet when we retire into private life. It
wouldn't do for public characters like us to go
to the Royal Hotel.

Well, the consequence was that my mates
went without me, and I was left in London at
the dull season of the year to do the best I
could single-handed. But one nigger ain't no
use, sir; it's true the concertina is scientific,
but without the banjo and the bones it's nothing.
I did very bad, and could get little more than a
crust. But Maria didn't care. Her maximum
always was, better a crust of bread-and-cheese
and be home and a-bed at ten o'clock, than
boiled rabbit and sprouts with gallivanting.

It was all jealousy. Yet I never give her
any occasion, sir. Never. Of course I
palavered the gals, and I dare say sometimes
gammoned them out of their missus's beer-
money; but it was in the way of business. It
wasn't love, sir, it was ha'pence.

What I am going to tell you now, sir, is a
great ewent, and I dare say some day it will be
mentioned in History.

I had been playing about at the West-end
all day, and had taken only about a couple of
shillings. It was well on in the dull season;
the nobs were still out of town, and the
servant girls had spent all their board wages. I
had been playing and singing for nearly an hour
without getting e'er a copper. "It's no use,"
says I to myself; "I'll shut up and go home."
So I popped the concertina into its case and
started off, thinking, as I generally do when I'm
in bad luck, that I might possibly find a purse
or a bundle of notes lying in the road. Well,
sir, just as I was turning out of Belgrave-
square I saw something white lying on the
pavement. My heart was in my mouth. I
thought it was the bundle of notes at last. But
it wasn't. It was only a lady's cambric
handkercher. But that was worth something, for it
had lace all round it, and a coronet embroidered
in the corner. I am no judge of lace myself,
but I thought by the coronet that it was likely
to be the real thing. So I put the handkercher
in my pocket, and said nothing to nobody. I
intended to give it to Maria when I got home;
but she had a little bit of supper ready, and was
so pleasant and agreeable, that I quite forgot all
about it. I went to bed without mentioning the
handkercher.

As I was dozing off, Maria, who had stopped
up to put things to rights, suddenly came up to
the bedside and shook me. "Joseph," she said.

"Well," I said, "what is it?"

"Joseph," she repeated; and I knew by her
tone that there was something up.

I opened my eyes, and saw Maria standing
beside me with the handkercher in her hand.
She had been to my pockets and found it.

"What's this?" she said.

"A handkercher," I said.

"A handkercher!" she said."Whose
handkercher?"

"I don't know, I'm sure," I said. "I
picked it up in the street, and was going to
give it to you, only I forgot it."

"How do you look, Joseph, when you're
telling a lie?" she said.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"I'll tell you what I mean," she said. "Some
woman give you this, Joseph. I've suspected
you for some time; but you can't deceive me,
now I have the hocklar proof."

"Oh, how can you think such a thing,
Maria?" I said. "I'm sure I never gave you
any cause."

"This handkercher!" she said; and she
looked at me quite awful.

Well, sir, I took a bitter oath that I had
picked it up, but she wouldn't have it.

"Why, what nonsense," I said; "it's real
lace, and got a coronet in the corner. I dare
say it belongs to a duchess."

"Ah," she says; "it ain't the first time I've
heard of duchesses falling in love with
professionals. Joseph, you're a willin."

It cut me to the quick to be called a name
like that, and me innocent as an unborn babe.
But nothing would pacify her. She worked
herself up into high strikes in no time. Thinking
that she would soon cry and kick herself out,
I lay quiet and never said a word. But that
wouldn't do. She got up in a fury, threw my wig
into the fire as usual, stamped upon my serenading
hat, and then pulled all the clothes off me.
She went on like a mad woman, sir, and roused
the whole house.
"I'll go home to my parents," she said.
"Don't be foolish," I said. "You know your
ma is out a washing, and the workhouse is shut
long ago; they won't let you see the old gentleman
to-night."