doing something for themselves; but here were
six of the youngest all at home, doing nothing
and demanding food at every meal with no
consideration for the ridiculous inadequacy of
sweetstuff as an article of commerce. I have heard
of the philosopher's stone, that turns any kind
of rubbish into gold; but it's my opinion that
sweetstuff beats it all to nothing. Think of
turning hardbake, jumbles, and peppermint stick into
a joint of meat! It requires a sanguine
temperament to see a clean slate as to rent, in Noah's
arks; and you will allow, I think, that there is
not much suggestion of credit with the baker in
farthing kites. When I took to the business
there was nothing in all the stock, considering
the times and breech-loaders for the volunteers,
that looked so unpromising as bows and arrows.

But you never know, sir. Bows and arrows
turned out better than sweetstuff. It was what
I call a fundamental mistake for a man with a
young family to go into the sweetstuff line. The
friend who recommended me to it was in it
himself, and he couldn't make a do of it, though
he had neither chick nor child. In winter he
did pretty well, but in summer the flies ate all
the profits. But in my case, sir, what with the
flies and the kids, it was a dead loss. I gave up
the sweetstuff department shortly after I saw
you last, and substituted the periodicals, and
found it to answer better. Now, sir, it had
never struck me before, but on this evening
that I am alluding to, when I had to entertain
so large a party to supper, it came across me all
at once to question the justice of my being
burdened with so large a family, while Joey had
never a chick. He could afford to keep them,
and bring them up to something useful, and I
couldn't. I knew very well how his
supperparty would be conducted. There would be
Joey at one side of the table and madame at the
other, and they'd divide the pheasant between
them, and, when they had done, give the bones
to madame's lapdog on a china plate. And
here am I and the missus, with six two-legged
dogs round us, all snarling and snapping at the
heel of a Dutch cheese! It's unequal, I thought
to myself. It is highly necessary, I know, that
the population should be kept up; but why
should so much of that important duty be
thrown upon those who can scarcely keep
themselves? Children are hostages to Fortune, I've
heard say; but it's rather a shabby proceeding to
take hostages, and make the enemy pay for their
keep. I said that night, in the bitterness of
my heart, "These children are a curse to us."

"Oh, don't say that, Alf," my wife said; and
she looked so hurt that I was sorry
immediately. "Think what it would be to lose one
of them!" she said.

"My love," I said, "I wouldn't lose one of
those dear little wolves for the world."

"I know you wouldn't," she said; "and you
won't talk like that again, will you?"

I promised I wouldn't, and went and kissed
them all round as they lay in their beds,
sleeping with their mouths open, like hungry young
chaffinches in a nest, dreaming of worms.

Our family, sir, was a good deal like one of
those long tales in the periodicals— rather spun
out, like. I got tired of it about the sixth
number, and thought it might just as well wind
up there; but it didn't. It was still " to be
continued," and somehow, when the new
characters were introduced, I got to like them,
and so the interest was sustained to the end.

But the problem now was, what to do
with them all ? What to put them to ? My
own career in the theatrical profession had
not been so brilliant that I should wish to
put them to that. No, sir, I wouldn't wish
a dog of mine to be a pantaloon, and the
clown's position is a prize in that lottery
that you must have luck to draw. I know by
experience that talent won't do it without luck.
So I said to myself, "I won't let any of them
go a-nigh the theatre; but I'll give them a bit
of schooling, and do my best to fit them for
business, or something of that sort."

Sam being the eldest boy—he was turned
twelve then— I took him in hand first. I had
paid sixpence a week for him at a day school in
the neighbourhood, but he had not made the
progress I could have wished. He could read
and write a little, and that was all. But nothing
had been done to bring out his genius like; so I
tackled him myself. "What's this boy cut out
for?" I said to myself; and being a bit of a
phrenologist, I took opportunities while he was
eating—which was the only time he ever was
still— to study his intellectual development. But
it would have puzzled What's-his-name himself,
sir, to make out Sam's intellectual development.
He was such a boy for tumbling about and
bumping himself all over the head, that you
couldn't tell which was the natural bumps and
which was the accidental. I think it was
casuality, sir, that Sam was strongest in. Well,
sir, I tried him with arithmetic, with an ultimate
view to mensuration and surveying, which I have
heard they get a guinea a day at, but he stuck
fast at the beginning of the multiplication-table.
Five times licked him. Give him three times
five, and in a few minutes, when he had counted
it up on his fingers, he could answer you quite
correct; but ask him five times three, and he was
all abroad. I soon discovered that figures wasn't
his line. Then I tried him with geography, in
case he should have a genius for navigation and
discovering places, like Columbus and Captain
Cook. I bought an old map of Europe at a
rag and bottle shop, and hung it up for Sam's
benefit in the parlour; but though I only paid
ninepence for it—on account of Spain and
Portugal being mildewed—it was a waste of money.
I was in hopes that I might be able to rouse
Sam's interest by the familiar example dodge;
and I tried to make him know Italy by its being
like a boot.

But Sam couldn't see it. Of course, in our
days, sir, we wore Wellingtons, and then Italy,
was like a boot, but now with Balmorals and
spring sides the likeness ain't so striking. After
that I tried him with astronomy, and the use of
the globes, and all sorts of things, hammering