carries a stout stick, and he uses it with
singular diligence and vivacity on the heads
of all who come between the wind and my
nobility. Being representative of a friendly
power, I love to show the importance of my
government, of my mission, and of myself. This
is why I am preceded by a Cavass with a stout
stick, whenever I appear among the base,
common, and popular of Barataria. My Cavass and
I are about on a par in our knowledge and fitness
for the consular service, and we entertain
very much the same idea of the duties which
have devolved upon us. We cherish a
conviction that they may be briefly summed up
in a frequent and vigorous use of the stout
stick. We are not fond of arguing. We
consider truth and discussion as a mere
useless disturbance of our opinions on this
or on any other subject; and it is but justice
to us to add that our opinions are those of
the majority of Levant consuls.

I am not a Levant consul, but I am a sort
of apology for one; and I live in the halo of
that glory which surrounds my august and
potent chief. My Cavass and I have almost
absolute power over the liberties and comfort
of the whole population of Barataria, and it
comprises nearly eighty thousand souls. This
power was secured in a very striking and
agreeable manner by my predecessor (Lord
Fitztoady Stewart's favourite sister's son) in
a dispute about the right of a Maltese sailor
to knock somebody down, and to receive
compensation for the damage done to his
knuckles on the occasion. The pasha did
not seem to be clear-witted on the subject;
for, although he is a gentle dignified old person
enough, he is rather slow. My predecessor,
therefore, whose name was Podger, took
advantage of the arrival of a British man-of-
war to enlighten his understanding, and
to quicken his motions. Podger and the
commander condescended to pay a visit to
the governor in person. " Tell him," roared
Podger to his dragoman, who fortunately could
not speak English; " tell him he is a brute,
a beast, a lout, a barbarian, a brigand, a
cheat, a scoundrel; and that unless he pays
for my subject's knuckles, which have been
injured by the jaw-bone of the miscreant who
is cursed by his rule, we will batter his
town about his ears. Tell him this; tell
him this! " And then Podger, aware of
his interpreter's deficiency, made a sound
as if of cannon, and thrust his beard (a
remarkably fine beard) within a short space
of the pasha's nose. That reverend old
gentleman, comprehending the actions of the
deputy-assistant vice-consular Podger better
than his words, began to tremble. He had
strength enough to gasp out a request,
however, that his life might be spared; and a
humble asseveration that he would do
anything or anybody it might please Podger to
have done. By means of the word "para,"
however (which signifies money), and the
frequent use of his beard, and some
complicated digital arithmetic, the pasha was
made at last to understand that Podger
insisted on receiving compensation for "his
subject's " knuckles in money. It is needless
to add that money was paid; and I should
like to hear of the quiet, gentle, dignified old
pasha ever bringing anything to a wrangle
again with a representative of any future
assistant sub-vice-consular agent of Her
Britannic Majesty, at the Island of Barataria.

Indeed, what with the consequence
assumed by me and my Cavass, as well as the
consuls, and the assistants, and sub-vices,
of the other protecting powers, together with
each special and particular Cavass of each
and every of these extremely amiable foreign
officials, the pasha of Barataria has mighty
little consequence of his own left. He is
generally obliged to sing small, to use a mild
and familiar expression. He is considered
rather in the light of a bell-rope for angry
consular agents to pull at than anything else;
and whenever they want anything which
ought not to be granted, he is pulled until
he tingles sufficiently to cause what is wanted
to be brought.

My Cavass and I are perfectly above the
jurisdiction of the barbarians among whom
we live. We pay neither taxes nor respect
to anybody, and treat the world in general
from the extreme height of our grandeur
with condign indignity. There is nobody
who could be found bold enough to make
any observation to us; for we are our own
parliament, judges, jury, police, and
executioners. We cannot hang, to be sure; but
our power only stops short of hanging people;
although, if once we were to get seriously
out of humour, we might scourge, and cuff,
and make things so desperately uncomfortable
to the people in general, as to occasion
a wholesale transportation.

My Cavass and I are accustomed to be
treated with distinction in consequence of these
powers and attributes. When we deign to go
and show off our ill-temper to the local
authorities, we insist that horses and proper
attendants shall be sent to fetch us. When
we are visited by meaner people, we expect
that they will acknowledge the happiness of
being admitted into our sublime presence by
taking off their shoes, and raising the dust
from our shoes to their foreheads. We do not
indeed receive tribute in money; but we
take it out in adoration. Upon the whole,
perhaps, my Cavass and I are rather more
locally absolute than the Emperor of Russia;
and woe to the abandoned wretch who
declines to koo-too to us. We mark him
down in our black books, and he may
understand thenceforth that it would be
inconvenient to him to have any affair to settle
with Her Britannic Majesty's deputy-assistant
vice-consular agency  .

My Cavass has another important prerogative
from which I am unhappily debarred.
It is that of making British subjects. When