you an opportunity of compensating for a
few sins by a slight exertion of charity. In
this box are received contributions for our
niches; and in this — for the purchase of the
door of the old gaol at Blisterton, our county
town— we receive anything, from a crown
upwards."

"You are immensely condescending, upon
my word. What have I to do with your
niches or a prison door?"

"The niches, my dear sir, are for the
reception of votive offerings, in commemoration
of extraordinary events. We have
already received eight bottles which contained
the Daffy's Elixir to which Mrs. Tippleton
attributes her baby's recovery from the
jaundice. We have also received a broken
beer-jug from an Irish convert who turned a
teetotaller, but afterwards recanted, and was
transported for sheep-stealing."

"Then, sir," I said,"you are perfectly
welcome to the shank of the ham bone."

"And the prison door," he went on, not
paying any attention to my liberal offer, "we
require for our vestiarium. It is most tastefully
studded with nails, and is ornamented
with two large keys across each other: a
noble emblem, and redolent of the good old
times. I was told by the amiable and most
generous Miss Arabella Gawker, that you
were ready with a handsome donation to both
our objects. Allow me to lay both boxes
before you."

"Now, Mr. Platterwipe," I began; "in the
first place I think your objects veiy
contemptible; if it were any purpose of real
charity"—

"Exactly what I thought possible!"
interrupted the landlord; "and I have therefore
brought in from the hall our box for 'Parish
Casualties,' and the box for the 'Poultice
Association.'"

"I was in hopes, sir, you were not a mere
heathen," said Mr. Platterwipe, taking the
tin cases indignantly under his arms; "but I
find I was mistaken. I will expose your
latitudinarian principles at Mr. Mudd's, this
evening, and open the eyes of the Miss
Boltons, who saw you at the lecture to-day,
to your true character."

I didn't want a quarrel to break out at
Mr. Mudd's; I didn't want the Miss Boltous
to think me either a heathen or a miser— so I
laid a sovereign on the table, and said—
"Gentlemen, here are five shillings a-piece to
the boxes you have brought to my notice. I
desire after this to have no applications of the
kind, for I must tell you that the charity of a
man who is robbed of his dishes and pillaged
of his money, is very easily exhausted."

"I hesitate to accept a donation so
grudgingly offered,"said Mr. Platterwipe, ''and
will consider whether it would not be better
to apply it to the secular uses of the parish,
and spend the half-sovereign in the purchase
of a scraper for my front door. Meanwhile, I
take my leave, and to-morrow, under more
mirthful circumstances, shall be happy to offer
you a bat in the cricket-field, and dine jollily
with you here after the game. I am very
much addicted to feasts, and keep them to
the utmost of my power."

"This abominable inn is better adapted for
the other anniversaries," I said, "and I dare
say the wine is as intolerable as the food.
Bring me a bottle of Port, Mr. Smith, and
don't let any more visitors in."

"Governor," said a voice at the door,
when I had taken my first sip, and was
making a hideous countenance, for the
liquid was by no means Port wine, but a
good deal of soot dissolved in a little gin—
"Governor—"

"Hallo!" I turned round, and saw Charles
Hammersmith holding on by the door-handle,
as if afraid to come into the room.

"You're angry, governor; I knew you
would be."

"How can I help it? Hungry, thirsty,
robbed!"

"And hopelessly in love. Hard case. I
pity you."

"Who told you so?"

"The great Arabella. She says she has
rejected you. Platterwipe says you look in
despair."

"No wonder. What brought you here?"

"The same that brought you— love."

"For Arabella?"

"No. Didn't you see Mary Bolton at the
lecture? She saw you. I knew you from
her description. She drew you to the life—
handsome features, brilliant eyes, intelligent
glances, and portly figure. It was impossible
to mistake you."

"A very charming girl; in fact, so is her
sister. I observed them all the time of lecture.
Tell me all about it."

"Oh, there isn't much to tell. After I left
college I met her when she was on a visit to
Brighton; followed her here; entered myself
as pupil to Mr. Slockum; subscribed to all
the charities; admired all the great people,
and with your aid, my dear old godfather"—

"Oh, you want a tip,, do you? How
much?"

"Nothing. You forget I am four-and-twenty,
and a squire in Sussex. All you have
to do is to occupy the attention of the party
at Mr. Mudd's, this evening; leave the rest
to me. We are off to Gretna Green."

"Can't you wait for banns?"

"Impossible! Old Mudd is a regular
donkey, and is her guardian, till she is
twenty-one. She is now nineteen. He
swears she has a vocation for celibacy: she
doesn't think she has. Mudd wants to keep
all her money- twenty-five thousand pounds—
and to make Georgiana, the younger sister,
marry Mr. Platterwipe. Now, will you
help?"

"Won't I? Why does Smith keep such
poisonous stuff as this? I should like to
drink success to the scheme."