THAT he construed Hesiod, Thucydides,
Lucretius, arid Plautus, entirely to his tutor's
satisfaction, and took lessons in pugilism from
a first-rate professor of the art; that he got
publicly thanked at his " little go," and ran a
race with the Flying Butcher, beating him by
twenty yards in the half-mile on the same
day; that he afterwards translated John Gilpin
into Greek Iambics, and wrestled for twenty
pounds a-side with Joe Pullen, the Headington
Giant, giving the said giant a throw
which strained his back, whereby the said
Joe Pullen has been an inmate of the
poorhouse ever since:

THAT your petitioner, at the request of one
of his guardians, the Reverend Sir Trulliber
Western, Baronet (whose name must be known
to many members of your honourable house as
the most successful feeder of pigs and fattener
of oxen of his time), entered deeply into the
study of divinity, and " did " the Fathers of
the first three centuries in six months; at
the same time he reduced himself to one
bottle and a-half of port wine a day, and
seldom exceeded nine cigars:

THAT in a very short time he mastered the
Oriental controversy, and gave up the
practice of driving tandems:

THAT, when the proper time came, he took
his degree (high in honours), and after a
festive meeting at the principal hotel, to
celebrate the event, he took the opportunity
of a town-and-gown riot, which suddenly
occurred at that time, to wipe off some old
scores with the college dean of chapel, whom
he encountered, by accident, on the way home;
and that in the effort of wiping off the said
old scores, a rib of the said dignitary was
unfortunately broken—either the detergent
being applied too roughly, or the osseous fabric
of the said dean being more brittle than
usual:

THAT he then—again by the advice of one
of his guardians, the Reverend Sir Trulliber
Western—established himself in the house of
a respectable clergyman, in order to acquire
experience in the management and working
of a parish before he himself took orders;
that with this purpose, he occupied a
bedroom in the parsonage of the Reverend
Ambrose Grovel, at a rent of a hundred and
fifty pounds a-year, and prepared to take
useful lessons in ecclesiastical and parochial
affairs:—

THAT he found the said Reverend Ambrose
Grovel the most eloquent preacher he ever
heard—particularly when he inculcated the
duties of submission and resignation, and
reverence to the old family and immense estates
of the Duke of Gaudeston, whose steward
occupied the main pew in church; that of
his preaching there was no end, for he believed
the whole value of parochial ministration
consisted in what he called the pulpit
services; that he left the visiting of the sick
and comforting of the afflicted to an assistant
of sixty years of age, who had not the gift of
fluency, and was therefore only fit for the
lower offices of the church; and that thereby
your petitioner, so far from acquiring any
insight into the working of a parish, merely
saw the method of working a curate, and was
not particularly edified by the same:

THAT the family of the Reverend Mr.
Grovel consisted of a wife and daughter—
Miss Theodosia Grovel—who was in the
enjoyment of surprising spirits, and laughed
and giggled in the flow of her innocent mirth
in a very captivating and agreeable manner;
that her attentions were great and incessant
to your petitioner; that she played your
petitioner favourite tunes on harp and piano;
that she praised your petitioner's horse and
horsemanship; that she said she thought
your petitioner was certain, as soon as he was
old enough, to be Archbishop of Canterbury,
and that if she were queen she would appoint
him to that high office at once. That thereupon
her father, the Reverend Ambrose Grovel,
used to chuck her under the chin, and say,—
"Silly girl—what an innocent little fool you
are!"

THAT your petitioner is informed and
believes that the said Reverend Ambrose Grovel
had been in the habit of chucking the chins
of the four senior sisters of Miss Theodosia,
in presence of four previous clerical apprentices
(as they were irreverently called); and
that the result was, that the said four clerical
apprentices married the said four senior
sisters of Miss Theodosia Grovel, whereby
the said Reverend Ambrose Grovel had
obtained, among those who were acquainted
with the proceedings, the name of " the
Judicious Hooker:"

THAT your petitioner was heedless of
chin-chucking and tune playing, by reason the
young lady had already a double chin, and was
a very poor musician; that before the year
had expired your petitioner was not on
friendly terms with any of the family; was
preached at by the Reverend Ambrose
Grovel, sometimes under the name of Judas,
sometimes under that of Gallio, and once in
an unmistakeable manner under the
compound name of Sampson Eutychus, because
he was gifted with great bodily strength, and
was in the habit of falling asleep during the
sermon. That the mother also withdrew from
your petitioner, all the little amenities which
make residence in the same house agreeable:
his tea was weak and cold, his beer sour, his
dinners scanty, his wine withdrawn, his
linen unwashed; that Miss Theodosia never
listened if your petitioner made a remark:
never giggled, or even smiled: informed her
mother that personal power was symptomatic
of intellectual weakness: and occasionally
received at tea a neighbouring attorney of
remarkably small person, whom she had
pretended to forget, and not to know even by
sight, during the first four months of your
petitioner's residence at the rectory:

THAT, under these circumstances, your