and dozed, the clients and their native
advocates most probably laboured under the
impression that I was thinking profoundly.
Some of the sweetest moments of repose that
I ever enjoyed in my life were on that
couch, on that bench, in that court-house in
Mozufferpore, Tirhoot, in the province of
Behar; and whilst I was so enjoying it, there
was my pay running on to the tune of three
thousand pounds a-year, and the pleasant
reflection, when I awoke, that I was the
Burra Sahib (great man) of the district. Not
that I ever gave myself any airs. Such a
course of conduct would not only have been
repugnant to the feelings of Old Swivel, but
positively detrimental to his interests, for
Old Swivel's incapacity as a judicial
functionary was so well known, that it would
have been sheer madness to have made an
enemy who might have blazoned it forth to
the world through the medium of the
newspapers to which I subscribed. By the way,
it was a part and parcel of my policy, during
my career in the East, to conciliate the
editors of every journal. I not only
subscribed to periodicals which I never read,
but sent advertisements to the printers of
them. I used to advertise for sale a
horse, or a buggy, or a carriage, or a piano—
none of which I intended to part with—and I
invariably said, "Apply to the Printer." Of
course, when the printer communicated with
me, I invariably wrote to him and regretted
that the property had been sold. I did not
do this to wheedle the press into seizing an
opportunity of praising so good a constituent
(that is the Indian word for subscriber), but
simply to make them cautious how they
offended so warm a supporter, by inserting
any letters to his disparagement. During
the whole of my stay in the East, my name
never appeared in print, except in the most
complimentary, if not flattering, terms. As
a magistrate, I was always ''that zealous
and indefatigable officer." As a judge, "that
prudent, cautious, and impartial functionary."
So that the beauty of my being "an awful
bad bargain" was this, that the Government
knew nothing at all about it, and the
consequence was, that whatever I applied for (I
was rather slimy in my letters to men in
power), I was almost sure to get.

I had been four years a judge, and had
saved money, which I invested, not in Joint
Stock Banks or other companies, but in
Government Securities, when an opening in
Calcutta presented itself. There was a seat
vacant in one of the Boards— the Revenue
Board. In went my claim, and out came my
appointment in the Gazette. I was told that
numbers of persons asked the question, What
on earth can Old Swivel know about finance?
and very well they might do so. However,
as I used to say, that was my affair. The
secretary of the Board was an amazingly
clever fellow, and I went down to Calcutta
predetermined to be, iii every sense of the
word, a sleeping partner in the concern. I
had only four more years to serve the East
India Company, and I made up my mind that
they should pass away as pleasantly as
possible. There were two other members of the
Board, and these men were continually differing
with each other and with the secretary,
whom I invariably supported, not upon any
fixed principle, but simply because it saved
me a great deal of trouble, and dispensed
with the necessity of my joining in the
debates of my colleagues. For this support
the secretary used to write all my minutes
for me; and as he really knew a great deal
of what he was doing, and I knew nothing,
this was a mighty convenient arrangement to
both of us. I must do my colleagues the
justice to say, that, although they understood
perfectly well the motives which actuated
me in my line of conduct, they never gave
me much or any trouble by talking about it.
Sometimes they were not a little annoyed
when I backed up the secretary; but their
anger was invariably drowned in a laugh,
not at me, but with me.

I was only nine months in the Board, for
there happened to be a death vacancy in
the Sudder Adawlut (the high court of
appeal in judicial cases); and as the salary
was close upon four thousand pounds a year,
and as I was bent upon taking as much
money out of the Company as I could fairly
—if I may use the word—I exerted all my
interest (including the good-will of my
colleagues, who hated the secretary, and wanted
to get rid of me, his protector and defender),
and was the successful candidate. When I
sat alone in the Sudder Court, I was guided
by the nazir (head native official), who only
troubled me to sign the decrees, which he
drafted and had copied. When I sat in
banco with the other judges, who never
agreed upon any case, I concurred with
either the one or the other; but never, by
any chance, gave the reasons for my judgement.
Dividing as I did my favours equally
between them, and giving first one and then
the other a victory, I secured in the end not
only the good-will of both, but the expression
of their joint opinion that I was uncommonly
well up in my work. Once, by the way, in
the Sudder Court I made a little mistake,
which provoked the merriment of my
colleagues. There came on for hearing an
appeal against a decision of the judge Sahib
Bahadoor of Mozutterpore—no other person
than Swivel Sahib Bahadoor, my veritable
self. I knew nothing about the case; and as
I did not listen (what would have been the
use of listening, since I did not understand
the documents in the vernacular, which were
read aloud?) I was as innocent as a new-
born baby that I was sitting in judgment on
one of my own decrees, or, at all events, a
decree for which I was responsible; and the
casting vote which I gave was all the wrong
way as it happened. And what made the