with the subject of dinner, he asked where
the bread came from, and presently learned,
on the authority of the court-baker, that the
corn of which it was made was the produce
of a field in which a great battle had been
fought, and which had been selected by
judicious agriculturists on account of its
excessive fertility. Clearly, Hamlet was not
so wrong about the bread; so the admiring
king pursued his investigations with
reference to the bacon, when it turned out that
the pigs of the royal stye had, on one occasion,
broken loose, and feasted on the corpse
of a malefactor who had paid the last penalty
of the law. Moreover, in the well from
which the water had been drawn for the
supply of the royal table, sundry rusty
swords were found, and this accounted for
the taste of iron. The fine taste and the fine
nose of Hamlet could not be sufficiently
admired by the excellent king of Britain,
who was resolved to look into those little
family matters that had been likewise
touched upon by his Danish guest. Accord
ingly, he sent for his mother, the Queen-
dowager of Britain, and having asked her,
very seriously, why he had the eyes of a serf,
received the agreeable information that a
certain slave, who had been made prisoner of
war, held a more important position in the
royal pedigree than had generally been
imagined. Hamlet was right again! He
was therefore personally questioned as to the
three signs of slavish origin he had remarked
in the behaviour of the queen-consort. Not
in the least daunted, Hamlet replied, that in
the first place the illustrious lady was in the
habit of wearing the hood of her cloak over
her head, contrary to the usages of what
Osric calls "soft society;" that in the second
place, when she walked she tucked up her
gown by the girdle; and that in the third
place, when after dinner she used her toothpick,
she swallowed the extracted particles
of food instead of spitting them out with royal
dignity.

Oh, happy were the days when Ruric was
king of Denmark, when Fengo was lord-lieutenant
of Jutland, and when What's-his-
name reigned over this island! Talent had a
chance of being rewarded then, especially
at the British court. Far from reproving
Hamlet for his matchless impertinence, the
enlightened king of Britain was in ecstacies
at his acuteness, and at once gave him his
daughter in marriage, thanking the gods for
sending him such a clever son-in-law. That
the wedding might not want its proper solemnity,
the two attendants were duly hung up
on the very day after the ceremony. The
advantage which Hamlet took of this latter
circumstance can scarcely be called
handsome. Although he had artfully contrived
the destruction of his comrades, he pretended
to be excessively enraged at their death, and
the king of Britain, who felt great awe at
Danish indignation, gave him, by way of
compensation, a large sum in gold, which the
astute Hamlet melted, and poured into two
hollow sticks.

After he had lived in Britain about a-year,
he thought he would like to see his native
Jutland once more, so, having asked the king
for leave of absence, and obtained the same,
he set off with his two loaded sticks, to visit
the " Old folks at home." The first spectacle
that met his eye in the royal palace, was the
celebration of his own funeral, held on the
strength of a report that he had died in
Britain; and greatly astounded were the
mourners, when he reappeared amongst them,
looking as silly and as dirty as ever. When
he was asked what had become of his two
companions, he showed the two sticks, and
said, " Here they are, the pair of them." Of
course this reply was set down to the account
of the old imbecility, and caused explosions
of laughter, for these Jutlanders were not
aware that the sticks contained the worth in
bullion of the two executed gentlemen; nor
had they reached the high philosophy of
Hamlet, which taught him that a man's
money-value is, in fact, the man himself.

Neither was it suspected in Denmark, that
the funeral ceremonies, which were so
strangely interrupted by the safe return of
the deceased, had been contrived by that
very person. Before Hamlet had set out for
Britain, he had had a second interview with
his mother, in the course of which he
requested her to pretend, after his absence
for a year, that she had received news of his
death, to perform as much of a funeral as is
possible when the corpse is wanting, and to
hang the great hall of the palace with netted
tapestry. By Queen Gerutha, who was of a
remarkably pliant disposition, all these orders
were carefully followed, though she knew
well enough that she would see her son again
at the end of a twelvemonth.

Most obstreperous was Hamlet in congratulating
himself on his own happy return. The
quantity of wine that he procured for the
refreshment of the courtiers was enormous,
and he added a practical joke to his verbal
pleasantries, dancing about with a drawn
sword, that he flourished in the most reckless
fashion, so that all were at their wits' end for
fear they might receive some unlucky gash
or thrust. His own fingers he really did cut,
and the courtiers took advantage of the
circumstance to fasten the sword to the
scabbard with a nail.

Through all these proceedings, a great deal
of drinking went on, till at last every one of
the courtiers had fallen from his bench, and
was lying senseless on the floor. Hamlet
now took from their hiding-place the wooden
hooks that had caused so much mirth in
early days, removed the net-hangings from
the walls, and so fastened them over the
sleepers, by means of the hooks, that
escape was impossible. This done, he simply
set fire to the palace, and proceeding to