"Oh, yes; some hundreds of thousands,"
replied the host.

"Ah! And crime? Much crime?" his
lordship persevered.

"Very much. But we are going to reduce
it, during the ensuing half-year, exactly
thirty-three and a-half per cent," answered the
magistrate, looking uncommonly statistical.

"How?"

"Well, that is what my assistant and
myself have decided upon."

"I do not understand you. How can you
possibly say at this moment whether, during
the next six months, the amount of crime
shall be greater or less?" His lordship was
puzzled.

"How? Why, just in the same way that
the directors of a joint-stock bank determine
in their parlour what shall be the amount of
dividend payable to shareholders. My assistant
wanted to make a reduction of fifty per
centum on the last returns; but I think
thirty-three and a-half will be a very fair
figure."

"You intend, perhaps, to be more severe,"
said the young legislator.

"Nothing of the kind. On the contrary,
we intend to be less energetic by thirty-three
and a-half per cent—to take matters more
easily, in short."

"I wish I knew what you meant."

"I will explain it to you."

"As briefly as possible, please." His lordship
did'nt want to be bored, evidently.

"By all means."

"I only want facts, you see."

"And I am about to give you facts—dry
facts."

"Well?"

"The facts are these. There is a district
in these provinces nearly twice the size of
this, and it contains nearly double the number
of inhabitants."

"Yes."

"During the past half-year, the number of
convictions in that district has been very
much less than the number of convictions in
this district. And the Sudder Court of
Appeal has come to the conclusion, on looking
at the figures in the official return, that
the proportion of CRIME to population, in
this district, is greater than it is in that
district."

"Very naturally."

"Indeed? But suppose that the magistrate
of that district only attends his court
once or twice a-week, and then only for an
hour or two on those days; and suppose
that his assistant is a young man who makes
sport his occupation and his business, and
business his recreation and his sport? And
suppose that I and my assistant work hard,
and do our best to hunt up all the murderers,
thieves, and other culprits, whom we hear of,
and bring them to justice and to punishment?
What then ? Are the figures in the official
returns touching the convictions, to be taken
as any criterion of the crime perpetrated in
our respective districts?" His worship
delivered these questions triumphantly.

"In that case, certainly not."

"Well, the Sudder have looked at the
convictions, and the consequence has been, that
in the last printed report issued by that
august body (composed of three old and
imbecile gentlemen) to the government, the
magistrate of that district and his assistant
have been praised for their zeal, and
recommended for promotion, while the magistrate
and assistant of this district have been
publicly censured, or, to use the cant phrase of the
report, "handed up for the consideration of the
Most Noble the Governor-General of India."

"Is it possible?" asked the lord,
throwing up his hands.

"You ask for dry facts, and I have given
you dry facts."

"May I make a note of this?" (pulling out
an elegant souvenir.) "Not that I should
think of mentioning your name."

"You may make a note of it; and, so far
as mentioning my name is concerned, you
may do as you please. I have already written
to the Sudder what I have stated to you,"
was the answer.

"What about the thirty-three and a-half
per cent?"

"Yes; and what is more, I have insisted
on a copy of the letter being forwarded to the
Governor-General."

"And what will be the result, do you
suppose?"

"That I neither know nor care. I have
just served my time in this penal country;
and, being entitled to both my pardon and
my pension, I intend to apply shortly for
both."

The reader will be glad to hear that a
long correspondence ensued on this subject,
between the Sudder, the government, and
the mutinous magistrate. The upshot was,
that the imbecile old men who had too
long warned that tribunal, were pushed
off their stools by the Governor-General
(Lord Dalhousie), who, very meritoriously,
bullied them into resigning the service;
threatening, as some say, to hold a
commission on their capacity for office. In
their stead were appointed three gentlemen,
whose abilities and vigour had hitherto
been kept in the back settlements of India.
The crowning point of all was, that the
mutinous magistrate was one of the
illustrious three!

Lord Jamleigh informed us that he had
seen Lahore, and that he was about to go
across the country to Bombay, and that he
should then have seen all three presidencies,
as well as all the upper provinces and the
Punjab. He regretted, half-apologetically,
that he had not been able to take a look at
the Himalayas—Simlah and Mussoorie—but
the fact was, "he was so much pressed for
time."