passive and almost inanimate object of their
scorn and malignity. No man would have
ventured to treat a fellow-creature in such
a manner. No couple of men could have
possibly sat in the same compartment with
a third person, abusing and talking at him
before his face as these two females did.
Even if I had been willing to have made
the humblest apologies, and to have
explained the circumstances under which I had
resorted to tobacco, they would not have
listened to a syllable. My wonder is, that
they were not afraid of goading me to use
violent language, or even to throw them one
after the other out of window. It is a
subject of wonder to myself that I did not
adopt one of the two courses. Having at
last exhausted their rhetoric, and after a
little whispered conference together, one of
them (the Sniffer) as we were nearing
Shoreditch, suddenly seized on my portmanteau,
and before I was aware of her fiendish
object, had copied my direction in full.

"'That's right, Susan,' chuckled the other;
'now we'll put him into the Times: a
chokin' and a discomposing ladies, indeed!
That'll be the place for such as him.'"

"'Good gracious,' thought I, 'these
wretches will blast my business prospects
for life, if they publish the fact of my smoking
in a railway carriage at nine o'clock in the
morning.'

"I was really very much alarmed at this
threat, and they observed it.

"'Ha, ha, Mister!' (by the bye, they always
addressed me as Mister) cried one, waving
my purloined address to and fro like a banner
in triumph, 'will you like to see that in
print to-morrow morning?'

"'Very much, old lady,' replied I, with a
little effort; 'I should like to see nothing
better; the name and direction you have
there, are those of my cousin, to whom that
portmanteau belongs—he is a well-known
solicitor, as, I dare say, you are already
aware; and if he don't bring an action against
you, and get swingeing damages, my name
isn't—Smith of the City.'

"We had by this time reached the London
platform, and I carried out my baggage in
triumph, leaving both my enemies, I flatter
myself, in a state of collapse."

When we had done laughing at our
commercial friend's adventure, the rest of the
compartment expected a railway adventure
from me.

"All that I have to tell," said I (for I had
a little something to relate when I came to
think), "is exceedingly short, and by no
means a laughing matter. I was once—never
mind how many years ago—at school in the
neighbourhood of a certain railway station at
a considerable distance from London. I will
call the place Swindon, although this line
had certainly not reached thither at that
far-back period to which I refer. I was at
Swindon school, then, at the age of thirteen
or so after certain Christmas holidays. I
disliked the place very much, and the more
by contrast with the recent festivities of the
vacation in London. My heart pined within
me for a mother's love, mince-pies, Columbine
and the Clown, and juvenile supper-parties.
I conceived, therefore, the design of leaving
Swindon for the metropolis, and proposed to
myself, of course, to go by the train. The
difficulty consisted in my having no funds,
with the exception of a fourpenny-piece
with a hole through it, and some agate
marbles, which were, of course, totally
inadequate to pay my fare. It, however, suggested
itself to me that this obstacle might be
surmounted if I could secrete myself under the
seat of a first-class carriage, and so travel
gratis. The extra weight—thus reasoned my
youthful morality—would be, doubtless, of
little consequence to the engine, and the
room I took up, of still less importance to the
company. Conscience being thus evaded, I
easily eluded the vigilance of the guard while
a train was stopping its ten minutes for
refreshments, and ensconced myself in a
carriage, the occupants of which—at that
present engaged with soup and sandwiches—
seemed, by the shawls and cloaks left, to be
but few. There was plenty of room for me
to lie down, even at full length; and, although
it must be confessed that the boards were a
little dusty, the mode of conveyance,
considering what I paid for it, was not
uncomfortable. Presently the genuine
proprietors of the carriage resumed their seats;
they consisted, as well as I could judge by
their voices, of a young man, a young lady,
and an old lady; but they spoke very little
indeed until they reached Didcot, where the
old lady got out, after which, I must say,
the other two made up for lost time.

"'I thought that horrid old woman would
never leave us, dear Mary,' was the gentleman's
first observation; and 'One more,
dearest!' just as we got to London was his
last.

"The intervening remarks and occurrences
I will leave to the imagination of the
compartment, considering myself bound in some
measure, on account of my clandestine
position, to secrecy.

"My own situation during the whole journey
was distressing, on account of the terror
with which I anticipated detection through
any chance toe or heel being driven against
me, or through the resistance which my body
must needs have offered to a carpet-bag
being thrust under the seat; the climax of
my anxiety was, of course the ticket platform,
lest the guard should turn his lynx
eye on my place of concealment; but
luckily I remained unobserved, and heard
with a sigh of relief my unknown
fellow-companions leave the carriage.

"Instead, however, of getting out
immediately after them, as I ought to have done,
I remained a minute or two, in order to make