constructed with an inside band, with which the
wearer girded himself well, before buttoning
his coat, in order to get a waist. And I
remember a pair of boots I was in the habit of
wearing, which cause me to writhe now as I
think of them, and the like of which I never
see on the feet of my young friends of the
present day. Truly those boots were excruciators:
and when, after a day's intolerable anguish, they
were, by more intolerable anguish, at length
drawn off, the agony of the operation— which was
not performed under chloroform— was so terrific
that the patient used to remain for a considerable
period pale and speechless— an inglorious
martyr to the ruthless folly of the age.

But though we have got rid of many such
ancient affectations, and many old forms of
Humbug, the shapes assumed by Humbug still
are multifarious. The fact is, that it is an
extremely difficult thing to steer clear of Humbug.
Let the reader consider in how many ways this
vice may show itself, and he will own that it is
difficult not to fall into some one or other of
its developments. Think of the Humbug of
Simplicity, the Humbug of Roughness, the
Humbug of Sensitiveness, the Humbug of denying
Humbug in others; consider the amount of
Cordial Humbug, of Polite Humbug, of Refined
Humbug, of Solemn Humbug, of Indignant
Humbug, of Mystic Humbug. As to producing
an analysis of this thing— as to supplying the
world with an exhaustive treatise on Humbug
—it would extend these Chronicles I don't know
how far, to attempt it. But there are some
great characteristics of Humbug that are worth
noting down.

One of these is the determination of all
Humbugs, rightly so called, to stand by all the
Humbugs of their own class, though they are
quite ready to be very hard upon, all the
Humbugs of another class. If, for instance,
you were to call the attention of, let us say, a
Sensitive Humbug, to a very flagrant act of
sensitive imposture committed by some one
else, it would be the tendency of the first
Humbug to deny the guilt of the second, and
to say— it is a favourite phrase with the tribe—
"Well, you know it's not affectation in him."
To this " Humbug, of denying Humbug in
others," and to the Humbugs of Mystery, of
Simplicity, and of Roughness, be these
remarks confined. And now a question, in
confidence.

Are you a Mysterious Humbug? If so, you
are to be congratulated, for no kind of Humbug
answers better. It is not very difficult— as I
know by experience, having tried all sorts of
Humbug in order to be able to write upon the
subject— and it is vastly remunerative. It
requires, as other forms of Humbug do, that
he who devotes himself to its culture should
have great self-control, and be quite sure of
himself. He must not talk much, but at the
same time he must, of course, not leave the
field open to those who do talk; and he will
do well to interrupt the conversation of others,
if not by words, by action and by-play. If
some one be talking, for instance, to a room
full of people, it would be a good thing to rise
slowly, in the midst of a conversation, and,
taking a photograph from the table, select a
perfectly insignificant member of the company,
place the same in the hands of this personage,
crossing the room very slowly to do so, and then
returning to your place as if this transaction
had been a perfectly simple one, and done in
entire good faith. If the refreshment of tea be under
practical consideration at the moment, the same
thing may be done effectively with a plate of
bread-and-butter. Suppose, again, that you are
at a wedding; it would be a very good thing to
break off a very small crumb indeed of wedding-
cake— selecting a moment when a speech was
being made, and when plenty of public attention
was to let— and cutting it into some very precise
form, that of a die, for instance, place it in a
piece of paper, wrap it up very carefully, write
something outside the package with your pencil,
and then consign it to the recesses of your
purse or pocket-book. All this must be done
with intense gravity and perfect unconsciousness
that anybody is observing you, and you
must be sure to be very particular and hard
to please, about the shape and size of the piece.
Such plain directions as these will enable you,
if you are a discerning person, to seize such
opportunities as may come in your way of
distinguishing yourself on other occasions. You will
see, for example, that at a pic-nic, it will be
desirable for you, having undertaken the mixing of
a salad, to pull off one of the leaves of a lettuce,
to put down the salad-bowl, to pace very softly
to the side of the stream near wnich the festival
is held, and drop the leaf into the water. In
the same way you are recommended, if assisting
at a garden-party, to walk straight into a game
of croquet, and, taking up one of the balls, which
it is very important should be kept in its
place, to begin playing a small game at bowls on.
your own account. All these things must be
done very slowly, very solemnly, and quite
unconsciously. And if you attain to be a master
of this art of Mysterious Humbug, great will be
the social success you will reap as a reward. No
man of similar or even superior intellectual attainments
to yours— no man, that is, who allows himself
to appear plainly as he is— will be able to
stand before you for a single moment. His
gestures, his looks, his lightest word will never be
canvassed and made the subject of discussion as
yours are. He— poor man— if he be pleased,
appears so. If he be interested, he shows his
interest. While you, who keep everything—
and especially the limited extent of your own
capacity— to yourself, will find people occupying
themselves for half an hour in speculating on
what was the meaning of some look, some nod,
some half-finished sentence of yours, as if the
greatest importance attached to it. Whereas,
you may be as clever as you like, as witty, as
good humoured, but Grimshaw the mysterious
will always beat you at a canter, and will get
a character for great profundity, while you will
be spoken of by the very people whom Grimshaw