that persons in want of money can apply to Jonas
Fang, Esquire, Wolf-court, Lamb's Conduit-
street. The top and bottom crusts of the poor
man's quartern loaf I shall let separately by
tender, one for advertisement of immediate Loans
from five shillings to twenty pounds; the other
crust to be competed for by publicans and quack
medicine vendors.

It is true that the dawn of My Era had
declared itself before my coming. It did so when
the postman took from friend to friend letters
in envelopes that had cost less to the purchaser
in consideration of his circulating advertisements
of black lead or tooth-brushes printed
inside them. It did so when the father of
a family, taking his children to the pantomime,
was informed by inscriptions on the scenery
where to buy his wine cheap or get a four-
guinea watch, and when from a walking
meatscreen, with ladle arms, and a saucepan head,
there was read to him by the clown, in comic
voice, the name of a person who had paid to
have the attention of playgoers seriously
directed to the noted shop for bottle-jacks. These
weak efforts show to what society was verging
before I appeared and grasped the situation.
To establish a durable and perfect system of
advertising, there wanted a man who, raising
himself above vulgar passions, should unite in
himself the essential qualities—just ideas of
each of his predecessors, avoiding their faults
as well as their errors. The man capable of so
lofty a mission now exists.

I will abolish the present unmeaning system
of butter prints, and, instead of the unsuggestive
swan or beehive, will issue forms for the
stamping of all pats of butter within the three
kingdoms. I will let the march to fame over
the butter of the country to the boldest bidder.
If to an author, all the butter shall be sent to
all the tables shaped into little models of his
volume, with the name stamped on the back and
sides. Surely I should secure him butter enough
to make his book go down. I would not overlook
the morning toast, the slice of bread, the
fish, the chicken, or the roast. To secure these
very important mediums of direct communication
with the public, I would issue brands
frequently changed. On Monday, say, the breakfast
toast should come up elegantly stamped
with an advertisement of Wind Pills lightly
burnt into the texture of each slice. On Tuesday,
there should be "No More Toothache."
On Wednesday, the toast should tell the price
of Streaky's Kamtschatkan Breakfast Bacon.
Or, in a good house, I would supply several
toast brands at once, and so apply to the toast-
rack the principle of the motto kisses, utilised;
—as I need not say that the motto kisses
themselves should be—kissing and telling, "When
you marry, go to Smith's for comforters;"or,
"Buy your perambulators of J. Brown, six
hundred and ninety, Tothill-fields."

In the next place, without discarding
elegance, I shall abolish all designs that are not
useful as well as ornamental. Every decanter,
every wine-glass, every tumbler, shall have
woven into its pattern, or simply engraved
upon it, a conspicuous advertisement of
somebody and something. All table and other linen
shall have advertisements appointed by me to
be part of its texture. Thus, for example, I
might, if the tenders proved the highest,
recommend Retzsch's Cod-liver Oil on all the
dinner napkins; and this alone would suffice
to make that person's Cod-liver Oil famous.
His advertisement might also be appropriately
branded upon all the codfish brought to table.
I need not say that there shall be no square or
round of carpet pattern that shall not contain
an announcement elegantly and appropriately
introduced into its web; and I will from time
to time lay down carpets, at my own expense,
in the rooms of all persons who see much
company. Again, for the coarse bill-sticking,
which I propose to banish from the public
street, I shall ordain the far more efficient
institution of bill-sticking within the house.
Elegant forms of placard will be devised, and
householders and houseowners, entirely saved
the cost of papering their houses, will have their
paperings renewed once a year, or oftener. The
dining-rooms will be handsomely but plainly
decorated with advertisements relating to that part
of the establishment. The drawing-room will be
elegantly decorated, in gold and colour, with
advertisements of skirts, crinolines, and other knick-
knacks. The bedrooms shall be neatly papered
with advertisements of their appropriate furniture,
of night-lights, patent medicines, and of
the number of shirts purchasable for a shilling.
The hall and passages with advertisements of
sticks and umbrellas, goloshes, waterproof coats,
hats, mats, bats, and cockroaches-however-
numerous-destroyed-in-a-single-night. I need
not add that I will allow no glazier to put a
pane of glass into any window until at least one
advertisement, suitable to the room it lights, has
been engraved neatly but conspicuously in the
middle.

I need not enter into more detail, because it
would be hopeless to attempt the complete
exploration of my vast idea. I let any one peep
in at the keyhole of the yet unopened door of
my Temple of Fame, and carry away some sort
of an impression of its perfectness of form, and
of the enormity of its proportions. I look, sir,
to see the day when every man carries a good
lot of advertisements as well as a good dinner
underneath his waistcoat, besides several
advertisements in his hat, more in his pocket
handkerchief, and when even the glasses in his
spectacles are utilised by somebody who wants
to catch his eye; and that will be My day, the day
of Julius Cæsar Richards. When judicious
advertising shall have made everybody's fortune,
that will be My day. The day of the domination
which rests on true greatness and
incontestable utility will have declared itself. Let
us be logical and we shall be just. It is well
worthy of your attention that, when destiny is
driving a state of things towards an aim, there
is, by a law of fate, a concurrence of all forces
in the same direction. Bill-sticking society has