though I never tried them, on somebody's
Azoesis Perieranii ; and if I had been in
want of full and luminous whiskers (which I
am not), or had required something to check
the grayness (which I do not), without doubt
I should have gone through a course of Rosabella
de Mowbray's inimitable Crinopuffaline,
and have written her a grateful letter, like
Major Slasher of the Hundredth Hussars,
who tells her, and all the world, that he has
now got a splendid pair—a fact of the deepest
interest to all who dwell in country quarters.

To return, however, to my corns. Nothing,
as I have said, was of the slightest service. I
had gone through my twenty, thirty, forty—
no matter how many—years of fearful torture,
when, floundering, one morning, in that ocean
of advertisements which spread over the vast
expanse of the Times's Supplement, I
happened to light on the unobtruding intimation
put forth by Professor Leichdornschläger, to
the effect that by his system the most
inveterate corns are instantaneously and effectually
eradicated without cutting or the slightest
pain ; and that if anybody doubts his assertion,
they have only to appeal to all the
crowned heads in Europe, who will certify
the fact with their own royal and imperial
signs-manual.

My first impulse, of course, was to exclaim,
Eureka ! (that word has rendered the public
immense service since it first appeared in
Childe Harold) ; my next, to send for a cab,
and drive down to Professor Leichdornschläger's.
It was a grand-looking house,
perched, as it were, on an eminence of several
high steps ; and, had I seen it in Germany,
I must intuitively have called it Schloss-
Bunionberg. There was an enormous orifice
in the middle of the door, for the receipt of
the countless letters which the crowned heads
were always sending ; an imposing brass
plate, which bore the professor's style and
titles ; a ponderous knocker for the powdered
footmen of the nobility ; a bell for visitors,
and another for the oi polloi,—the chiropodal
and gastronomic departments being by this
means carefully separated. As my business
was up-stairs, I pulled the visitors' bell ; and
the wire had scarcely ceased to vibrate before
the door was thrown open by an individual
arrayed in one of the most gorgeous liveries I
ever had the good fortune to behold. There
was a great deal of white and a great deal of
scarlet applied, as it seemed to me—but rny
eyes might have been dazzled—in wrong
places. There were a great number of tags,
and points, and buttons, and an overlaying of
parti-coloured worsted lace, after a fashion
which, in the indignation of his heart, a
democratic French friend of mine used to call
"barbouillé è la maître d'hotel," in other
words, bedaubed with parsley and butter.
To my inquiry if Professor Leichdornschläger
were disengaged, the hero of this splendid
livery replied by asking my name. Now, as
I am not one of the crowned heads of Europe,
and did not imagine that the mere dissyllable
—we will say Thompson—would create any
very extraordinary impression, I said, as I
have said on numerous other occasions, that
my name was of no consequence. It followed,
therefore, that the brass band at the top of
the staircase, which my imagination supposed
to be there, as a corollary to the superb
footman, did not strike up an appropriate
tune, and I was marshalled up stairs without
any ovation.

He of the tags and lace conducted me into
an apartment on the first floor—back—and
withdrew, with the intimation that he would
let me know when the professor was at
leisure. I was allowed plenty of time to
examine the room into which I had been
shown. It was of the kind which I may
term gloomily grand, the gloom being caused
by the high dead wall of a narrow court-yard,
partially obscured by claret-coloured curtains,
and the grandeur arising from a great number
of gilt picture-frames, inclosing subjects
which, although invisible, were, I take it for
granted, Rembrandts of the brownest water.
Of course, such an apartment could not be
without its appropriate furniture of massive
sideboard, &c., dining-table, and a regular
regiment of heavy chairs. I rather guessed
at the sideboard, but about the table and
chairs there could be no mistake, for I ran
against the first, and stumbled over the
others, convincing myself anew, if I ever
entertained any doubt on the subject, that I
certainly was troubled with corns.

We are told by men of science that the
human eye possesses the faculty of adapting
itself to every modification of light, which
may account for the reason why Mr. Spigot,
your butler, visits the wine-cellar (privately)
without a candle. Owing to this circumstance,
after having succeeded in finding a
seat, I began by degrees to accustom myself
to the chiar'oscuro in which everything was
enveloped, and even to make out something
of surrounding objects. I was then able to
discern that the table was plentifully strewn
with newspapers and periodicals ; but I must
confess I think it would require a long
apprenticeship to darkness to enable any one to
profit by these publications. As far as any
immediate enjoyment was to be derived from
their perusal, they might as well have been
dummies, or—what amounts to the same
thing—copies of certain journals (I need not
mention names) which faithfully record the
news of last week. But whether their intelligence
were fresh or stale, made little difference,
since, before I succeeded in deciphering one
word—though the interval was by no means
brief—the splendid footman reappeared, to
inform me that the professor was now disengaged.
I am rather inclined to believe that
he had been disengaged all along, and that
my detention in the dark dining-room was
only a coup de théatre, for the purpose of
heightening the subsequent effect. At all