baby, will you, somebody ? — hould the baby
while I destroy her," and arrived on the
landing of the stairs just in time to see
Mrs. Spidaweb's eyes —her spectacles were
already lying in small particles in different
directions.

The baby, however, was a great favourite
with Mrs. S., and when not petitioned for by
the dining-room, or second-floors — who were
all females, and passionately addicted to
infants — it would be found in her sanctum, the
back parlour, admiring the parrot, and sucking
(until the practice was forbidden), coloured
sticks of liquorice, or peppermint. The baby,
indeed, was apparently the sole link between
her and the humanities; she did not even
charge for the little crib it slept in, as an
extra bed; and presented it with a perforated
penny, to hang round its neck like a medal,
and to be employed in bringing forward the
teeth. Otherwise our landlady was not lavish,
nor even liberal; I believe she never got one
single article of housekeeping for herself, or
for her servants throughout the bathing season ;
but abstracted from the joints, and pies,
and teas of her lodgers, according to a regular
scale, which, of course, punished most
severely the drawing-room floor. After a
certain period, Mrs. Spidaweb's account
suddenly came out with a supplement, a regular
double number in fact, because of the season
having commenced; the upper floor took
flight at this extortion, and we ascended to
that elevation, and played second fiddle for
a few weeks in the house where we had led
the orchestra. From that moment, we found
the airs of the drawing-room lodgers
insupportable; they wanted more waiting on than
the Nepaulese princes, especially at the times
when we were dining; and they never (as my
wife justly observed), "ever so much as sent for
our dear, darling baby." Mrs. Spidaweb soon,
therefore, lost again her second second-floor.
The score for our concluding week at number
twenty Marine Parade, I shall not easily
forget; indeed, I preserve it as a curiosity to
this day, with her autograph at the bottom
of it, written in an easy and flowing hand, as
though she had nothing on her mind, in the
way of thieving, or extracting money under
false pretences, whatever. This bill was just
three times the length of any previous
week's, the proportion being accurately
maintained in every item.

"Have we, then, drank three times the
usual quantity of milk this week, Mrs.
Spidaweb!" said I.

"No, sir; but the fact is, that the bills from
the thirteenth to the twenty-seventh, when
you lodged in the drawing-room flat, sir,"
(with asperity and contempt), "were not sent
in at all."

"And the beer ? Was the beer bill also not
delivered?"

"No, sir, but Jemima Ann has got to drink
of it to that extent, that I only wonder she
doesn't burst herself."

"And the meat, Mrs. Spidaweb," said I,
languidly, for I saw it was no good. "The
butcher's bill?"

"The extra quantity of meat, sir, has been
got, according to the doctor's orders, for the
sake of gravy for the baby."

I was, for my part, thunderstruck; but, as I
gave a last look up at the top floor, as we
drove off I perceived that wonderful woman
pinning Apartments to Let in the window,
with an expression of beaming philanthropy,
as though it were the prospectus of a religious
and charitable foundation, started by
herself, gratuitously, for the homeless.

A pious widow, with a family of pious sons
and pious daughters, next admitted us to the
privileges of Zion Cottage for a moderate
remuneration; her dear departed, she told
me, had died after many trials — I
afterwards discovered that one in particular,
connected with a bill of exchange, and the
playful imitation of another gentleman's
hand-writing, had been almost the immediate
cause of his decease — and left little behind
him, except his blessing and a few African
tracts. He had been once the alderman of his
native town, and his bereaved relatives could
never quite forget that state of carnal dignity;
the young ladies, indeed, dressed to that
extent, that Ada did not dare to ask them to do
anything; and the young gentlemen, to a
boy, all gave one the idea of fashionable
preachers. Their mamma, confessed that she
thought we should like our dinner better, if
cooked at the baker's, and she never suffered
the mere ringing of the sitting-room bells to
interrupt the singing of a psalm in the
kitchen; not that her poor drudge, the maid,
ever partook of that refreshment, for that
earthen vessel was always employed up-stairs
in arranging the back hair of one or other of
her young mistresses; but whenever the
family got tired of looking out of window,
and walking in the back garden, they set up a
hymn. The Ebenezers were all teetotallists,
and strove to make a convert of our Jemima
Ann; one of their young men was accustomed,
while she disposed of her modest half-pint
of beer, to read her a short homily upon the
sin of drunkenness, illustrated with many
awful instances of sudden death; and the
females would beg her to taste their delicate
toast and water, if it was only for once. But
she merely expressed herself in reply as
being happy in drinking their very good
healths.

I cannot say that Mrs. Ebenezer's spiritual
enlightenment interfered much with her
worldly wisdom and financial acuteness. Now
and then, through inattention to such secular
concerns, perhaps, a little item in the account
would make its appearance twice; but, on
the other hand, she never forgot even the
most insignificant matter on the creditor
side; along with each weekly bill would
appear a little parcel of gay but useless
ornaments, elaborate book-markers, and