At present it is often next to impossible to
tell lords from commoners.

When a noble lord, for instance, comes
upon the platform at a missionary meeting,
amidst a crowd of wholesale tradespeople
and clergymen, who on earth is to pick him
out? The society has had trouble enough,
perhaps, to get him there. Five noblemen
beginning with A—-we fish for them
alphabetically for religious meetings—-have refused
point blank to attend, and this, maybe, is
our last chance of feasting our eyes upon
this one (for they do not often come twice);
but who is to tell which is he? I protest,
that during the whole of the opening prayer
at our last Central African, more than half
of us mistook the missionary—-a solemn,
dignified-looking person enough—-for Lord
Viscount A. himself; mistook a preaching fellow
with seventy-five pounds a-year, and who
had spent three parts of his life among the
vulgarest savages, for his noble lordship, the
particular pink of Belgravian society, and
who ran away not six months ago with Mrs.
K., the greatest beauty in Ireland. When
we were set right, of course we made up for
it as well as we could, by cheering, by waving
our handkerchiefs, and by stamping with our
umbrellas. When he bowed, my wife, who
is impressionable, was even affected to tears;
but, still, the mistake was very annoying.
Now, if his lordship had but adopted the
device which I have adverted to, and had
entered the room with his left arm turned
quite round with the palm of his hand
upward, no error could possibly have
occurred. I must say I like the custom
prevalent in the universities, of the
aristocracy going about in gold or silver or silk
gowns, so as to be easily recognised—-although,
at Cambridge at least, there is still room for
improvement—-for one may possibly confuse
a real nobleman who takes an honorary
degree (as his lordship should, God bless
him!) with a mere classical or mathematical
master of arts who has had to work for it;
still, if my suggestion be ever carried into
effect, it is my pride to believe that the first
dislocated arm in this country will certainly
be nourished at one of our two ancient seats
of learning.

Advantages would ensue from what I
propose in every point of view; it would settle all
those social squabbles which embitter the
whole of middle class life at once; that great
question for instance, whether Mrs. General
Ruff, or Mrs. Reeve, the Vicar's wife, shall be
first taken down to dinner; the one being
the second cousin of a marquis (Irish), and
the other being the daughter of a baronet.
There would be no question whose arm the
master of the house should prefer? The
arm which has most turn in it, clearly;
for when the thing is once systematised,
there will, of course, be the nicest gradation
of twist imaginable. What would
become then of the De Brouns, who persist
in setting the Plantagenet crest upon their
page's buttons, under pretence of relationship
to that exalted family? How much
distinction will Mrs. Major Callaghan be
able to derive from her ancestors, the Kings
of Connaught, we wonder? But, what pleases
me most in the contemplation of this ingenious
device, is, that all the people who have, as
the phrase is, raised themselves from nothing,
must needs be thus entirely put a stop to.
We shall then say boldly, We don't want to
know what you have done (who does?), and
we don't care in the least what you are; but
let us see, upon the instant, what you were,
good people. Can you turn your left arm
twice with the palm of the hand upward, or
can't you turn it at all? To descend to
minor advantages, it will be surely no slight
satisfaction to a Briton from the country, to
be able, from the strangers' gallery of the
Lower House, to separate for himself the
true scions of aristocracy from the mere
working members; and again, under this
new system, what a peculiar and impressive
appearance would be presented by the
House of Lords! Nay, instead of the clumsy
machines called open examinations, and the
other absurd blinds which we have had to
put up between state offices and the public,
let the test of merit be unblushingly declared
to be, not birth, but a dislocated elbow; and
then we should see, what is now not so clear
as is desirable, that those who are born as it
were to great offices are also the fittest
persons to fill them.

One more suggestion regarding this
projected improvement, and I have done. No
sooner shall the thing be established, than
there will be countless attempts made
by unprivileged persons to dislocate their
left arms. How many hours would not the
pastor spare from his duties in order to
become honourable as well as reverend!
And rightly enough, for with that left arm
oratorically extended, what limit would there
be to his congregation? Do the attorneys
care for none of these things, or would it not
be worth a counsel's while to devote his
Sundays to this twisting process? The
medical man would surely gain in popularity
through his additional rank far more than he
could lose through any decreased efficiency
as an operator in consequence of a twist too
much. And as for the soldier, what end to
the staff appointments and good things which
assiduity at this practice would ensure him.
Let him remember Dowb!

Nay, leaving any mere gain out of the
question, the vast majority of my own
private acquaintance, male as well as female,
would, I am convinced, go through almost
any amount of torture in order to assimilate
themselves to the nobility. I can
fancy our Aunt Betty—-whose husband, the
alderman, was knighted this last winter—-
sitting patiently with her comely arm in a
vice for days and days, on the chance of