die, though the very next advertisement after
that of the deaths tells me, that funerals are
now conducted at charges much below those
to which the public have hitherto been subjected.
A man cannot afford to die upon
eight hundred a year. I must not do it.
"Carriage funeral complete, six guineas."
Tempting as the offer is, I can resist the fascination.
When my time comes I shall be
buried decently I know. The dead are indeed
wretched, who do not alight from
carriages at the door of their last home.
Strange would be the reverse of fate, were I
to be driven to the churchyard in a gig.
Enough that I expect a carriage funeral complete,
and care not whether it cost six guineas
or sixty thousand, when there is six feet of
earth to serve as a bulwark against duns.
"Tombs, monuments, chimney-piece," &c.
Statuary come! You shall not carve my
tomb, but you shall build me a good stout and
firm domestic hearth. But how to build it?

For sale the next presentation to a living;
and a living is precisely what I want. This
one is "most elegantly situate in an exceedingly
beautiful and desirable locality. There is a
superior residence, surrounded by most beautiful
and extensive grounds, and the income
amounts to over a thousand per annum.
There is a prospect of very early possession."
There is the hitch. Very early possession
would not suit me. I must have possession
instantly, otherwise no doubt this affair
might be arranged. I would take the living
and agree to pay for it five hundred a year
during my life time. The other five hundred
added to my eight hundred might with the
help of some other little concerns, a mastership
of a charity, a canonry, a collectorship of
customs, a confidential clerkship and good
fortune on the turf, enable me to educate my
children.  Here are five livings in the Church
for sale.  At any rate they yield us a prospect,
so I think I shall secure them all, on the
half-profit arrangement.

Very well. First column of the Supplement
yields me, after liberal deduction from
my profits by way of charge for purchase
money, about eleven hundred a year with
houses and lands in Sussex, Devonshire,
Berkshire, Somersetshire and Norfolk. Unlimited
supply of clotted-cream, pig's-cheeks,
and turkeys. They are to fall to me respectively
after the death of five men, one of
whom is in bad health, and one eighty-five
years old. The others are aged seventy-two,
sixty-eight, and fifty-five. The life of that
man of fifty five I know will aggravate me
sorely, he will live to be ninety. Young men
whose deaths are prayed for always are fervently
sound in wind and limb.

At present I have found nothing immediately
serviceable. Nothing can be made I
fear of H. C. S., whose wife advertises to him
that they are twain and quotes. "The matter
is irrevocable now; —your own words found
in the passage of our miserable dwelling on
the sad fourth of November, the anniversary
of our first meeting." She will ''never pardon,
forget nor forgive," and she refers to his condition
in such a way as to make it evident
that I can extract no capital from H.C.S.
—Poor fellow! did he marry on eight
hundred a year and find the results as per
advertisement? His coals and trousers, and
his shirts, unmended of course, have been
returned to him in a parcel—"I forwarded
your wardrobe on the eighteenth"—and
between these twin hearts all is over. Let
not such a fate be mine!

Ha! here is cash. Here are sums upon sums.
I can at once earn five pounds plus two guineas
plus ten shillings plus ten pounds plus one
pound plus five pounds plus ten pounds; total
thirty three pounds, twelve shillings, if I
will do these things: pick up a lost young
gentleman of weak intellects, who is five feet
eight inches high, has light hair and whiskers,
growing down to the chin; pick up a carpet-bag,
a black greyhound with a white tip
to its tail, answering to the name of Fly; a
black leather bag; a round gold Brazilian
bracelet; a gold watch with a blue enamelled
back, and a grocer with bad teeth who has
left his business in Staffordshire. Shall I put
on my hat and take a walk, keeping a bright
eye on the pavement for dropped carpet-bags,
watches and bracelets, in hope of performing
these conditions which some spiteful fairy
godmother seemsto have attached to the immediate
receipt of thirty-three pounds and twelve
shillings? Let me first see whether I am
offered any better chance for a day's labour.

Bank of England. Unclaimed Stock.— Ha!
Fortune, you are my slave. Why should
bank stock be left an hour unclaimed? My
boots! My carpet-bag to put the money in!
One minute, let me wait to see what the
extent of my claim is,—how much I am to ask
for? Pitiful thirty pounds, and three women
are claiming it. Government had absorbed the
sum of thirty pounds reduced three per cent
annuities, and it is advertised that three
ladies, Mary, Anna, and Elizabeth, having
made claim upon that sum, notice is hereby
given that in three months from this date—
so on, so on—unless some other claimant shall
sooner appear and make out his claim thereto.
Take your ten pounds a-piece, ladies. Fear
me not. What next? Pianiste and two
ladies with good voices wanted for a series of
concerts, one hour's ride from town. Board
and genteel apartments will be found,—at a
public house, I suppose. Concert every night
behind the bar. Pianiste, Mr. Dillman Dull.
Screaming success, Mr. D. Dull's songs of
home and happiness. Ethiopian serenades by
Miss Dull in appropriate costume. It needs
more than the board and genteel lodging to
bring us down to that. What next? A
regiment of rifle volunteers want men. My
want is money.

Lectures on the literature of his own
country by a brave and learned exile, casinos