and dancing masters' balls, opera boxes,
ventriloquism, detective police business, sacred
harmony, concerts, entertainments, exhibitions,
private information about American solvencies,
the autograph of her Royal Highness the
bride to be sold a bargain, and a wonderful
stock of apple-green crackle china now for
sale. Nobody asks me in these two columns
to make my fortune. I see here how others
make money, but they do not tell me, the
very dancing master does not tell me how to
take like steps. What if I lectured upon
Klopstock? Would it pay? It might occur
to me to sing comic songs, in an entertainment
to be called Merrie England in the
olden time, by D. D., in the garb of a Druid.
Would that pay? Or could I get a ninety-nine
years lease of the new Covent Garden
Theatre, and persuade Madam Grisi to sing
in it until the lease expires? I do not see
my way in any of these things. I have a
little boy who has a mouse, and he has made
of it a learned mouse. If I were to take the
great room at Exeter Hall, or Her Majesty's
Theatre in off nights for the mouse to perform
in, and charge the usual rate of admission,
I have no doubt that if the Hall filled nightly
money might be made. And I think it would
fill; for nothing can be more perfect than
the way the mouse winks with one eye. It
is a thing to make you die with laughing.

Bombay direct. Not a bit of it; no, nor
Madras direct, nor for Calcutta; Australia
perhaps; I like the gold-field better than the
field of glory. Here are ships, ships, ships
ready to take me to all corners of the world.
Free emigration to the Cape is offered
me, but without any allowance of pocket-money,
therefore I decline to go. I like however
a firm of emigration out-fitters, who
offer to secure passage to any colony, grant
letters of credit, and give reliable information,
upon application personally or by post. I
have written at once for a passage to Owhyhee
with five thousand pounds in letters of credit,
and valuable information as to my best way
of amusing myself when there for a twelve-month.
It will be a pleasent way of staying
legal proceedings on the part of Rapson
Tapson. I see that some excellent hotels
offer unconditionally choice wines and spirits
with board of the best kind, in private apartments,
and I would cheerfully accept some
such offer, if I had not business in London
sending me to Owhyhee. At the same time it
is understood that I shall not go to Owhyhee,
if I can procure in London a large sum of
money instantly.

Horses for sale, tempt me not. There is
an awkward proverb about setting a beggar
on horseback. Winter butter, cows, bulls,
dogs; no. Swans. Somebody wants six
pairs of swans able to bear the climate of
India. Mrs. D. has six little geese which
she takes to be swans, and would like a cadetship
for one or two of them, but six—six
pairs. Must they be brothers and sisters! I
have made a memorandum, and will write to
ask. Broughams, phaetons, and full dress
coach, perambulators, harness, saddlery. It
is naught, it is naught. Now here is a long
file of descriptions of persons wanted, mine
oyster has the knife's point in its shell.

A first-rate ledger clerk in a large drapery
establishment. I could take such a place as
that in combination with the five rectories
or vicarages, and should be then qualified also
for the place "in a jobmaster's yard in the
country." Also, I could call myself a general
servant, and if I drowned, as I should drown
the pastoral care of my five flocks in a wine-glass
or a tumbler, I might be able to respond
to the call for "a clerk well acquainted with
the trade in spirituous liquors." I don't
think I can undertake to drynurse a child,
but I am at once ready to take an agency for
horse and cattle food, since I am told that
"the agencies are highly remunerative and
profitable." Families' washing; that I
couldn't undertake. Governess and tutor
business, is as much below us. Somebody
offers to tell me how to take degrees from
foreign universities. I'll write to him. It may
some day be profitable to be known as Dr.
Dillman Dull, especially if it should fall in
my way to take a few pupils at a hundred
guineas per annum, and teach them to smoke.
Here it is! Partnership. " A gentleman
who commands capital to the extent of two
thousand pounds, is desirous of entering an
established house as a working partner."
I'll have him. He is ready money. I will write
to him at once and undertake to work him.
At the same time I may imitate my friends
whom I find announcing to Parents and
Guardians that they will take premiums with
boys. No doubt a vacancy offers in my business
for an apprentice, I mean in the business
my partner is to do for me, after payment of
his two thousand pounds.

Law, Money—ah, bah! Dilly, Dilly, Dilly,
come and be killed. There is an advertiser
here who wants a gentleman not only to pay
him two thousand pounds, but to go out with
him also to Australia. Another is desirous
of meeting a gentleman possessing a capital
of about four thousand pounds "to invest in
a brewery." I would offer better terms to
anybody tempted by those invitations. I
would take his ready cash, and be content
with that; I wouldn't carry him away to the
Antipodes, I wouldn't put him to the risk of
further loss by speculation in a brewery.

"The advertiser being in possession of a
patent by which large profits can be made,
and very little risk incurred, wishes to meet
with a gentleman who can assist with
capital." Ass that I was not to think of the
large fortune made by patentees! I also seek
"a gentleman who can assist with capital."
I also have inventive power. Mem. Two
insertions of an advertisement like that. I
shall have my invention ready by the time
the capitalist comes. It should be something