that would halve the price and double the
quality of an article in universal demand. I
will produce at two-pence halfpenny a pound
of sugar in single crystals, large and brilliant
as Koh-i-noor diamonds, and only to be known
from diamonds by their instant solubility in
water. I will produce a teapot of metals so
combined, that they shall throw galvanic
shocks into the tea when it is brewing, and
extract out of one spoonful the strength of
six. I will produce a new method of making
butter out of cistern water, keep the secret
most inviolable, and undersell the trade
throughout the country. Three-pence a
pound shall be our price for the best fresh.
But, perhaps, it will better profit me to start
a company, than to advertise for a partner, if
I desire to insure fortune to myself from
schemes like these. Paid up capital, one
million. I begin to see my way into mine
oyster.

Books, idle books, I know not what they
are. I jump over the book advertisements,
and come to the wine, beer, tea, coffee, and
cigars Regalias, Partugas, Globas, Cabanas,
Manilla cheroots,—Perdition upon Rapson
Tapson,—the Pen Superseded, and a good job,
too. Apply to L. N., at the Tuileries. That's
a French speculation, I suppose. No, I forget
myself, it is "T. C. Long Acre. Beware of
imitations."

Silks for the million, the Princess's opera-cloak.
Ha, she must have answered those
advertisements for left-off wearing apparel.
"Clearance of the Sponsalia stock." Yes,
that explains everything. All the old raiment
was for disposal when the wedding
outfit was complete. Tailors' advertisements.
Mem. Send orders to all, for I may
want an outfit if I go to Owhyhee.

Pianofortes. I think there is no opening
here for any cash transactions. I have
observed for the last five years, a particular
pianoforte, nearly new, only four months in
use, that is to be sold as an unusual bargain,
for some twenty pounds cash, and may be
seen at a hatter's in the City. I have a
rough notion that four hundred pounds must
have been spent in advertising only, over the
effort to raise upon that piano twenty pounds
of ready cash. There must be flatness
somewhere. Certainly I shall not try to unlock
the gates of Fortune with piano keys.

Furniture, plate, "the perfect substitute
for silver." A perfect substitute for gold
would be more handy to me, I confess, but
inasmuch as many a debt is payable in small
change, I will take care to possess myself
immediately of the perfect substitute for
silver. The advertiser who can fill a plate-chest
for eleven pounds, can line a purse for
twopence, I should hope.

Ornaments, dressing-cases, dinner-services,
"Anhydrohepsiterion, the only vessel in
which a potato can be well or wholesomely
cooked." There is an inventor who has been
beforehand with me; but there is room for
the Onehighergoclapsatailon, the only knife
with which a potato can be economically
peeled. Partner wanted with one thousand
pounds to push this invention, which is quite
sure to succeed when known.

Diamonds, lamps, safes, umbrellas, British
feeding-bottles, deafness, and weak legs.
Weak legs. I have myself been tottering of
late. Am on my last legs? What is the
remedy advised? Elastic stockings. "They
give great support, are double, and may be
washed." No, they will not wash. Anger
speaks in the vernacular. Therefore I say
they will NOT wash. " If you value health,
or a good figure, wear the chest-expanding
braces." I do wear them, and in vain turn
to my banker's book, and ask of it, What's
my figure now? Ask my friends what sort
of a figure I wish to make, and what sort of
figure I do make? Dillman Dull, they will
say, used to think he knew a cigar, but he has
lately taken from those Rapson Tapsons in
the name of Manilla, cabbage. That is what
they say of me now; in the name of Manilla,
cabbage, call you that making a good figure,
O advertiser of the chest-expanding braces?

Coals, wood, fire, candles, oils, corns, chilblains,
winter coughs; teeth, perfume, the
complexion and the hair, quack medicines
the end of all. Comforts, discomforts, personal
advantages and death. I will try all
the schemes suggested by a study of my
oyster-opener, and if they fail, I'll come, as
the list does, to a gloomy end. I'll take
Morison's pills in worm-powders on rising,
breakfast on lettuce-lozenges buttered with
Holloway's ointment, and washed down with
two breakfast-cups of Dalby's Carminative,
dine upon Codliver oil, Cockle's Antibilious
with Medicated Cream sauce, Pectoral Drops
and Nervo- Arterial Essence, take eye-water
for tea, sup heavily on bunion lotion, and so
go to my last bed. For imprudent marriage
was the ruin of me, and if I cannot speedily
restore my fortune, I shall have to advertise
myself in that list which I next see as "Waiter,
Head or otherwise," or offer myself to the
world with Mrs. Dull as " Man and wife: the
man as thorough "—woe, O woe is me. What
ominous foreshadowing is in these columns
of Sales by Auction. " In Bankruptcy. By
order of the assignees. The excellent new
household furniture of Dillman Dull, Esq.,
at Despond Villa, Tumbledon-road." I put
the paper down. It is a dull heart that
never can rejoice. Here have I found five
livings, a man with two thousand pounds at
my command, an idea worth capital one
million, a perfect substitute for precious
metal. Dillman's himself again. Tooth, Nail,
Hammer and Tongs, ye are defied!