that trouble, at any rate. I beg pardon—
Destiny (for a consideration of postage stamps)
will willingly spare me the trouble. Destiny, if
I will patiently bide my time (which I am only
too willing to do), will hunt out a woman of the
right complexion for me, and will bring her
within easy hearing-distance of the great Hum
formula, at the proper moment. How can
I possibly know this? Just as I know everything
else, by putting my trust in advertisements,
and not being stingy with my postage stamps.
Here is the modest offer of service which
Destiny, speaking through the newspapers, makes
to mankind:

"THE FUTURE FORETOLD.— Any persons wishing to
have their future lives revealed to them correctly,
should send their age, sex, and eighteen stamps, to
Mr. Nimbus (whose prophecies never fail)."

I send my age, my sex, and my eighteen
stamps; and Mr. Nimbus, as the mouthpiece of
Destiny, speaks thus encouragingly in return:

"PRIVATE.— I have carefully studied your destiny,
and I find that you were born under the planet
Mars. You have experienced in life some changes,
and all has not been found to answer your expectations.
There are brighter days and happier hours
before you, and the present year will bring to you
greater advantages than the past. You will marry
a Female of Fair Complexion, most desirous of gaining
your hand." (That's the woman! I am
perfectly satisfied. Destiny will bring us together; the
system of Mr. Flam will endear us to each other;
and the formula of Mr. Hum will clench the tender
business. All right, Mr. Nimbus— what next?)
"You will make a most fortunate speculation with a
Male of whom you have some knowledge"—
(evidently the proprietor of the Fabric)— "and,
although there will be some difficulties arise for a
time, they will again disappear, and your Star rises
in the ascendant. You will be successful in your
undertakings and pursuits, and you will attain to a
position in life desirable to your future welfare."

I have done. All the advertisements
presented here, I must again repeat, are real
advertisements. Nothing is changed in any of them
but the names of the advertisers. The answers
copied are genuine answers obtained, only a short
time since, in the customary way, by formal
applications. I need say no more. The lesson of
wise credulity which I undertook to teach,
from the record of my own experience, is now
before the world, and I may withdraw again
into the healthy, wealthy, and wise retirement
from which I have emerged solely for the
good of others.

Take a last fond look at me before I go.
Behold me immovably fixed in my good opinion
of myself, by the discriminating powers of
Graphiology; prospectively enriched by the
vast future proceeds of my Fabric; thoroughly
well grounded in the infallible rules for
Courtship and Matrimony, and confidently
awaiting the Female of Fair Complexion, on
whom I shall practise them. Favoured by these
circumstances, lavishly provided for in every
possible respect, free from everything in the shape
of cares, doubts, and anxieties, who can say that
I have not accurately described myself as " the
happiest man alive;" and who can venture to
dispute that this position of perfect bliss is the
obvious and necessary consequence of a wise
belief in Advertisements?

OCCASIONAL REGISTER.

WANTED.
VERY PARTICULARLY; the chief engineer
of the steam-ship Bagota, who
ordered a man to be roasted to death at a furnace.
Which order was obeyed, under circumstances
of brutality, both active and passive, so
abominable, that the earth can hardly be expected
to produce grains and fruits after their several
kinds while the said engineer remains unhanged
upon it.

If this should meet the eye of the magistrate
who permitted that murderer to go at large on
bail, he is informed that he is not likely to hear
of anything to his advantage.

THE REASON WHY London aldermanic
justice, in the current month of April,
sentenced a ruffian, for a series of perfectly
unprovoked assaults of a most violent description,
beginning with a respectable young woman and
ending with the police in general, to one month's
imprisonment only. The attention of Mr.
Alderman Mechi is invited.

THE PHILANTHROPISTS who are so
benevolent as to open the public-houses,
free of expense, at election time. Also, the
good Samaritans who pay arrears of rent for
people, at about the same period.

IN ACTION, an original English play of any
description within the limits of the United
Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.

A FEW IDEAS for the walls of the Royal
Academy. One hundred cart-loads of
fancy dresses, dolls, and old furniture, may be
taken in exchange.

SOME NEWER TUB for the whale-taking
trade, than a cry of Revolution to catch a
pension. Address, Buckinghamshire.

A NATIONAL RECORD of the death of a
true hero— DORMAN by name— who, on
the inundation of a colliery in South Wales,
during the present month, rejected the means of
immediate escape which were offered to him,
and perished, a sacrifice to his own noble efforts
to save the workmen committed to his charge.

"WANTED, a Baby to Nurse, by a Fond
Mother, who has lost Five Infants of
her own." An advertisement having appeared
in the Times the other day with this beginning,
Dr. HEROD undertakes to teach, to those
persons who prefer the management of their own
children, a Fond Mother's System in THREE